I met Ralph in the summer of 2007, when I was working as a chaplain intern at Reading Hospital. Ralph had recently retired from his work as a psychiatrist at the hospital, but he possessed a passion for working with the chaplaincy department, as his life experience had led him to want to unite two disciplines so often divided: faith and science. So, with that fueling him, Ralph was serving as a consultant to the chaplains when our paths crossed. I am so grateful that they did.
Though the initial reason for our connecting more personally was the struggles with faith that I was having and the mental and emotional toll that struggle was taking on me (in other words, I went to see him for a session or two as a patient, if memory serves me correctly), it became clear that our connection would be as friends, rather than as therapist and client. Actually, I would describe the relationship more in terms of mentor-mentee, although it is impossible to provide precisely defined labels, as the relationship has had many dimensions.
From first to last, Ralph has been a thinker, a ponderer, a man who loves learning and growing along spiritual lines, to borrow a fine phrase from the AA literature. Ralph is someone who is not satisfied with the status quo, with feel-good bromides emanating from either the realm of religion or the realm of science. Rather, he is a person who reflects deeply on his lived experience, a person who seeks a nuanced and vital spirituality which is true to, and consonant with, his lived experience.
Even in his “retirement,” Ralph plied his trade as a physician to the downtrodden and needy – the physically, emotionally, and/or mentally disenfranchised, doing so with alacrity and always with a keen desire to learn as much as possible from his patients. In my years of training and practice as a psychotherapist, I have often heard people speak of their “clients being their teachers”; in Ralph, I saw a consistent actualization of this aspirational sentiment.
Though of course I was not personally familiar with any of Ralph’s clients, I have no doubt that most of them liked him, because I know he loved them and cared deeply for their well-being. I recall one night in particular, a few years ago, when I was visiting Ralph and his wife, Pam, at their retirement community. After dinner, Ralph and I had a habit of sitting and talking – about life, faith, mutuality, relationships, evolution, and the like – and we would sometimes sit there for a few hours before one or the other of us (it was usually me) realized the late hour and the need for sleep. It was the same this night, but his phone rang. Taking the call, Ralph proceeded to offer patient and kind-hearted support to a distressed client who was on the other end of the line. While the selfish part of me was annoyed that he would interrupt our time together, the more compassionate and understanding part of me was delighted to witness, in action, the way in which a true doctor attends to the needs of his ailing patient. Ralph, I am not sure if you remember that night (there have probably been so many like this in your life), but I certainly do, and it captures something of your essence: a desire to be there for those whom you love and care about – which, I might add, are many.
There is truly much more that could be said here, because how can one capture the significance of a 13+ year friendship in a few written paragraphs? One thing is for sure: Without Ralph’s friendship, my life would not only be less rich, it would be less sane and less secure. Ralph has always been there for me, even at those times when I have rejected his support and concern. I have made quite a few friends over the years, but I don’t believe that I can think of a single one with whom I feel a greater sense of safety and trust – a safety and trust which gives me an unparalleled liberty to be myself, to refrain from self-censorship, and to trust that, however I am at any given moment with Ralph, it will be acceptable and enough.
Ralph, thank you so much for giving me the gift of your friendship. I am grateful that you acknowledge and appreciate the friendship that I have, in my own stumbling ways, attempted to give to you. I know we don’t live as geographically close to each other anymore, but it is always a pleasure to be able to make the drive back to the Reading area and to meet you for a walk down by the river. In fact, I look forward to seeing you there this coming Monday.
10th Leper Gratitude 